I hate this feeling. I hate feeling.

Congradulations
Today is another day
It's coming crashing down to break you again - Juliana Theory

How about that picture.

How about it? Haven't thought of that moment a thousand times before.(obviously sarcastic). Do you believe in soul mates? I don't. I hate to think that some one out there is stuck with my dark empty soul. I prefer to think that it's more of an enter at own risk. Today: still sorting through the things that I've done and all I see is a dark end. I've been compared to Sisyphus in that the stone keeps rolling back down the hill even though I try agian and agian. Well the fucking stone better crush me this time cause I'm out of booze. There is no hope

I swear that I can go on forever again
Please let me know that my one bad day will end
I will go down as your lover, your friend
Give me your lips and with one kiss we begin
Are you afraid of being alone
Cause I am, I'm lost without you-Blink 182

A little ray of sunshine in an otherwise dark soul.

Night a bean with Jason, Scott, and Alissa. Good friends and good music. It made me realize that I really miss Jerm and Tom. It's not the same without being able to ask Jerome what he thinks about Alissa. It's sad but your opinion really means alot. Also, there's no subsitute for Tom's advise. The night went well. There's something about Alissa that no one else has. She has this something that I can't explain. Like this inner beauty that is just breath taking. You will always have a special place in my smoke blackened heart.

And i will love you, baby - always
And i'll be there forever and a day - always
I'll be there till the stars don't shine
Till the heavens burst and
The words don't rhyme
And i know when i die, you'll be on my mind
And i'll love you - always - Bon Jovi

All the world's indeed a stage And we are merely players

Cast in this unlikely role,
Ill-equipped to act
With insufficient tact
One must put up barriers
To keep oneself intact-RUSH
I know I've pissed a few people off in the last few day. But I say things and complian all the time and yet no one seems to get the fucking point until I'm a dick about it. If I have to be a dick to get people to listen than I'll stop trying to be civil. I can't put up with everything all the time. I have a short temper and an ever shorter tolerance for dumb shit. This is to everyone who I may come in contact with so don't feel personally offended. While I'm at it, If ya happen to know anyone who can put up with a smoking, evil, vulgar, underage drunk give them my number.
Note from chip: Here's to the crackheads, "OD next time, we're over head count."

Use it, just don't abuse it.

One of the many things my dad taught me. This concept work extremly well with mechanical stuff. Yes, I'm anal about my car. Why? I don't want to pay to fix things that shouls never go wrong. Just shut the fucking door. Do you have to slam it? I don't see why people dont understand this. In relationships I find this also works. If I can get out of a ticket because I mention my friend Tom, then that's cool. Likewise if a friend get a job, girl, whatever by mentioning me then hell, go for it. Just don't abuse the privledge. I also find that I don't get along with many people. Chip, is probally one of the few people of which I see eye to eye with. Just basic things that seem common sense to me seem like rocket science. Anyways, if anyone reading this isn't busy saturday the Post it note poets are playing @ bean. Happy Thanksgiving to all.

Too all ya fucks

It's almost 9:00 on my birthday and I'm still sober.(That's 9 at night dumb ass). Thanks for all the shout outs and such but it's time to get fucked up so catch ya on the flip side. The flip side being when I stumble home and make it to my computer.

So long

I think I'm gonna die today
And everyone who hurt me's gonna pay
How could such a short time feel so long
How could such a young life go so wrong-Everlast

Mood=Death

I hate going to class. Sure the rest of time is fun but god, one more dumb fuck class and I might kill soemone. Got drunk friday and stumbled around pittsburgh. Saturday watched A friend get tipsey, and tonight, watched The Drunken Master with Jackie Chan. Fucking hate this place. I know I say that alot and things might not be better anywhere else but, that can't get any worse. Chip if you read this i feel ya. That's why we're similar. You can't feel because your emotionally dead while I feel but chose not to care. Believe me, it's better when you can't feel. Feeling are over-rated. If I were to die tommorow my only regret now would be that I didn't pick up and leave and say the fuck with this place. I also don't see why people expect stuff out of me when all I do is try to get around and expectations. Honestly if I cared I would stop smoking, stop drinking, study, try on tests,and maybe give a damn about something. It dosen't matter any more. Everthing you do you will fail at to some extent. Things never work out right. Why bother trying. If you dont try you can't fail, the only down side is not achieving. So, I still choose to not try.

I'm not sick but i'm not well

You know what your problem is? I'm too good looking. No really. Anyways, my friend Dave is home so maybe I'll get to do some deer painting.(don't ask). Another thanks to Sarah for lifting me up but really, I honestly have nothing to give to anyone. I'd rather not be a burder to anyone. I just wish I could use the little energy I have left to do something important but, I don't. I find that if one has no responsibilities, that's when one is free. The one being me of course. It's time to look out for #1.

Reason #7 not to drink and blog

(Note last blog) Anyways, not much much to post. Birthday tuesday. Drinking Wednesday. I don't care who comes as long as Dr. Vodka shows up. Jason, you might be DD. However dave will be home and he dosen't drink anyways. This proposition may also take 2 cars so whatever. Guess what happened. No, your mom still a whore, Chip got a job. A real one. With sony. So he'll be leaving bean and I will relocate to a bar for thursday nights. Well get to schedule tommorow so I better get some sleep.

Your all hopeless

including me. I just watch as everyone keeps making the most dumb fuck decisions and there's me, warning them but no one listens. So fuck it, from now on figure it out for your damn self. In general you fuckers need to think before making a decision. On a happy note:
You know that I never made the first move.
You know that I only asked one girl out.
You know that this is pretty fucking sad. However, this worked fairly well for almost 19 years and you can't fuck with success. Just let it fall into your hands.

Fuck this shit

Well i hope everyone is happy. No more venting. It is much better to run than fight. Almost 19 years of it. What happens when you stay andfight. You lose, even when you win. I've givin' what I had to give and now, broken and cold I leave the battlefield to go home. Back to my old self. Back to the old days when all I needed was a flask and a friend. In the words of our indian friend,I will fight no more forever. If it dosen't fall right into my hands then it can hit the ground and stay. No more working to get what you want. In the end it's just dust in the wind. So fuck it. Everything is oing to fuck you in the end so why even try.
The trash fire is warm
But nowhere safe from the storm
And I can't bear to see
What I've let me be
So wicked and worn
So as I write to you
Of what is done and to do
Maybe you'll understand
And won't cry for this man
'cause low man is due
Please forgive -Metallica "Low mans lyric"

Are You Happy Now?

What else can I say? How bout your the most beautiful person I've ever met and all you do is put yourself down because you you can't see what everyone else does. Allright had to vent that some how. On a want to kill note:Did you see that there making a dukes of hazzard movie. Holy fucking shit. That's all we need. As if there wasn't enough other dumb-ass movies. I give up. It just goes to show things are getting worse. Get ready for the happy days movie.

Advice

You can't run away from yourself.
Could you look me in the eyes,
and tell me that your happy now?- Michelle Branch

You need to look inside yourself and see that you will never find what you want until you overcome your fear and go for you've needed all along.- Tom Smith
You know why I like Jerome? It's because he is always true to himself. He may not fit the norm but as long as he's happy what's anyone else to say. Jerome overcomes the fear of failure and being unsuccessful(by others standards) to be what he wants to be. I find that people let fear control them too much. Today's advice to all. Stop being afraid of hurting people and just take the chance. Happiness was always next to you but you turned the other way to avoid hurting people and just ended up hurting someone else and yourself.

Weekend at a glance

Friday: Went to Chip's house and drank beer.
Saturday: Went shopping with Jason and went to bean and saw Stotka and Kimi.
Sunday: Nothing yet but I have an idea for a song.

A little something a wrote

What has happened?
What have I done?
Is this the end?
Your my only one.
To feel your lips,
What would I do?
I want you to know,
That I need you.

Your sun
In my rain
Your the one
Who takes the pain.
It's you I love
and me I hate
I'd like ask you for a date.

Where are you now?
Where am I?
I need to say this,
Before I try.
It's always you,
It always will.
All I have,
Is my heart to spill.
Chorus

I am nervous.
What if I fail?
Your so beautiful.
Should I bail?

History Lesson

So her's the last four years in a nut shell. 9th grade was the first time I really knew Alissa. She had me from the first time our eyes caught each other. Well you know I don't like to waste time so I wanted to get to know her better. Well in that process she started dating Joe. Oh well I wasn't meant to be, yet. I didn't like Joe(an over baised opinion) but what ya gonna do? So either 10th or 11th grade she breaks up with Joe. Nice, now I can ask her out right? Well to be honest I got really nervous. Yes, I got nervous. Nervous of a 120 pound 5'7" 11th grade girl. Well she started going out with Ryan.( Not the drunk you all know) So I vowed not to miss another chance. Well that didn't work out and in 12th grade she aquired an attachment to Messer. This I was cool with because if she wasn't with me, Messer would be my next choice. So that ended up just becoming a really good friendship. Summer came and we didn't get to talk much until July. It was either the 2nd or 3rd week in July I finally was ready to ask her out.(This only after about a dozen other times i went to her work but pussied out.) So I was ready and just before I could say anything she told me she was going out with Mike. My first thought was Mike who. On the O.C. trip I saw Mike and remembered him from nursury class. Well blah blah blah things didn't work out there because he broke up with her online. I was going to go up and visit her at college. Well, not to miss the moment agian I took it too soon and you all know the rest.

What is love?

Is it just a feeling or emotion? Is it a verb? Is it a noun? What does it mean to be loved? Is there true love? These are questions that I've had for a while. Uncondtional love, don't get me started. If God loves me it's only because he created me. My friends and family, only because they feel obligated to. If you (Jason and Chip) want to know why I don't ask Britta out it's because I can't see myself with her 5 years from now. For Alissa, what ever makes you happy makes me happy. All I really want( and that's saying alot because I'm selfish) is for you to be happy. Well I get my car in about 10 min. so I'll post later.

Lemons

As I sit in this smokey room
The night about to end
I pass my time with strangers
But this bottle's my only friend- Bon Jovi
Word of wisdom for tonight: Sometimes life deals you lemons. All you have to do is turn them into lemonade. I like lemons. There's nothing new under the sun. However I wrote this song. If you know your history you may find the significance. It's called "I will love no more forever". I'm sure one day I'll look back and just want to kick myself for all the time I wasted but for now, Fuck it. I once heard that when your at the bottom the only way is up. Fuckin' liars. I'm down here with a shovel and you know how much a hate working. Well it's time to throw the shovel and clime out. The rest of this miserable life begins now. Bring on the cigarettes and booze.
P.S. Isn't funny how the person who makes fun of the cliche becomes the cliche.

Yesterday

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they're here to stay
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly, I'm not half to man I used to be,
There's a shadow hanging over me.
Oh, yesterday came suddenly. -The Beatles
Suddenly I find myself in front of my computer listening to the Beatles and come across a comment worth reading. Not to put down the other comments but maybe my other friends should take a lesson.(just being an ass) Anyways a big thanx from PA to the girl who shares my sisters name. Sarah Elizabeth. I needed something uplifting to read. Currently I'm listening to Ob la di Ob la da. I've decided today to go on a picnic. Yes a picnic. And yes, suprisingly I can be somewhat romantic. Also a thanx to Britta for putting up with me for an afternoon. Nothing else to write but that's your loss.

This thorn in my side

This thorn in my side
This thorn in my side is from the tree
This thorn in my side is from the tree I've planted
It tears me and I bleed-Metallica
Sometimes in life ya think you've got things figured out but in the end it's just another kick in the ass. I don't know if I can a way out of the wall I have created. Not to dwell on it any more but four years down the shitter just to come out in a fucking septic tank in hell, it sucks. However last night I met an old friend of mine.Maui. It's blue liquer. It is fucking awesome. Well what to do. I need some advice. I'll take anything I can get from anyone who reads this shit. I know this awesome girl who under normal circumstances I would ask out. Problem: I still have feelings for Alissa. Four years I spent telling my self it was just a high school crush but I still have feelings. Want to know why I drink. When I'm drunk I don't care about what happened. All I'm worried about is trying to stay alert. It's those moments when I don't feel. Think it's bad being kicked in the balls. This eats away at me everyday. I'd rather things not have worked out in a relationship thn deal with this. There's no closure. There's nothing to close. There are no memories of what was. It's all huanting dreams of what could(should) have been.

Life's short like Jerome

Life is a short, tan, lazy, cock biting, piece of shit. I get my car tommorow and maybe that will help out my mood. My manager Marian is mad because dubya won. She still has ketchup bitch stickers on her car. I'm glad it's over. I've also decided if anyone else asks me for relationship advise I'm going to shoot them. After reading this shit would you ask me for relationship advise. I also love when people ask for advise when the advise involves yourself. Don't expect that answer to to biased. Well I hope you saw Kerry's speach today. It was the best part of the whole campaign. Kerry is still a loser but others helped in that. His wife saying that librians, stay at home moms, and teachers don't have real jobs. His Vice saying that if they were elected people would rise out of their wheelchairs and walk. Kerry barely had a chance with those dumbfucks around. Well life's too short to look back. I'm looking forward. It dosen't look good but fuck it and fuck you too.

Life's short like Jerome

Life is a short, tan, lazy, cock biting, piece of shit. I get my car tommorow and maybe that will help out my mood. My manager Marian is mad because dubya won. She still has ketchup bitch stickers on her car. I'm glad it's over. I've also decided if anyone else asks me for relationship advise I'm going to shoot them. After reading this shit would you ask me for relationship advise. I also love when people ask for advise when the advise involves yourself. Don't expect that answer to to biased. Well I hope you saw Kerry's speach today. It was the best part of the whole campaign. Kerry is still a loser but others helped in that. His wife saying that librians, stay at home moms, and teachers don't have real jobs. His Vice saying that if they were elected people would rise out of their wheelchairs and walk. Kerry barely had a chance with those dumbfucks around. Well life's too short to look back. I'm looking forward. It dosen't look good but fuck it and fuck you too.

Fuck Election Day

I took one look at the ballot and realized I only knew the presidential canidates. So I said fuck it and just to spite Alissa, Britta, Marian, and all the other liberal fuck-tards I voted straight ticket Republican. I really like how everybody gets there political view from SNL. You think Dubya is dumb. He has a higher I.Q. than ketchup bitch. You think ketchup bitch is a flip flopper. Look at his record. On most issues(however none important to the election) he never changed his opinion. You dumb fuckers took the bait of losers like Micheal Moore and thought it was like the bible. The only think the bible has in common with Millimeter Moore is that a bible is found in church and Moore's ass is as big as a church. All I heard Tuesday was a bunch of liberal dueches and a bunch of right wing cock licks. So comment on this fuckers....

Let it be.

When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.-The Beatles

Are you unable to offer somethign or not willing to try? I tell you from the heart that it's worth a try. Is it better not to love than risk of hurting someone? I'm a business major. Everything is measured by risk. Thanx to Jerome I also read almost the entire Rich Dad Poor Dad series of books. The author (couldn't think how to spell name) shows what risk really is. To make money you have to take risks. To be sucessful you must take risks. Think about the story in the bible about the three guys who were given money by their master. Two of them "invested" and the other one buried so not to loose it. In the end the guy who buried it was given a biblical kick in the balls for being a lazy, useless, panzy fuck. I'm willing to invest whatever it takes and risk dying alone to break the wall that keeps me from happiness.